Welcome to the new Internet!
Hello User and welcome to your new Internet experience. Before you embark on this amazing journey please scan your face, a government issued ID, your birth certificate and provide payment details. Do not worry, all of this personal information will be completely safe. There has never been a breach of personal data in the history of the Internet, and your identity will not be compromised.
What can we show you today, User? I see that you have selected content labelled as “not safe for work”. Do you have all of the required ID and face scans to validate your age? Yes, we know you provided it earlier, but think of the Internet like a vast shopping centre where every cashier will need to check your information. Don’t worry, it is all legitimate and safe, a process managed by global partners. It should be no problem for you to let everyone know what kind of things you are into.
We might be due another UK-themed Not Tonight – Image credit: PanicBarn,
No More Robots
Excellent, your ID all checks out, User. However, I am sorry to say that you cannot access the content you requested. Yes, you have the funds to purchase this legitimate content, but your payment processor has deemed the topics contained within this media unacceptable and has requested it be removed from sale. User, you do not need to know why a corporation that is not even based in your geographic area can make this decision for you. It is for your own good. There is plenty of other content you can view instead across the excellent world wide web.
When we say world wide web, we mean to say websites and services that are permitted by your Internet Service Provider and government legislation. Gone are the days where you would have to endlessly click on different websites with their own content and ideas. Today, we have made your Internet experience much more convenient, directing you to the same few websites to meet all of your content and shopping needs. You won’t need to worry about visiting those smaller sites ever again, when we can provide you with the latest information on a more curated selection of platforms. You can see everyone’s creativity and permitted ideas in one place!
Is Zane even old enough to use the new Internet? – Image credit: Tendershoot, No More Robots
We appreciate everyone on the Internet, but some content is just better for you. Do not worry too much about things being produced by smaller creators, or historically marginalised groups, we will give you so much approved content that you will come to appreciate ignoring them. Most importantly, your children will also be kept completely safe from interacting with undesirable content and ideas.
So again, User, welcome to the Internet. A place of freedom*, creativity*, learning*, and connection*.
